Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
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I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
if you aren鈥檛 someone the church would鈥檝e killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 馃ぃ”
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn鈥檛 it obvious?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Biden: I wonder if I鈥檒l still get free ice cream when I鈥檓 no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.