My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
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ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Phones down.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
those birds must be on payroll
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics