Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
You Might Also Like
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
me refusing to leave twitter
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though