Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.