this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge