I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
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Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac