I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
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Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
she has a point
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this