I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
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first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
SF is the wild wild west man
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Y’all ready for this
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock