doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
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Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.