Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.