“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.