I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
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Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*