are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice