God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
You Might Also Like
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?