MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
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Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Proctology is located in A55
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles