I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
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Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
man i love columbo
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
#Caturday
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Never mess with a drunken pig.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir