My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
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Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play