From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
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Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes