No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
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I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.