I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[eulogy]
line?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”