Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
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You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
This is a whole mood;
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.