All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
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You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Flock of bats
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man