if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Human are so complicated
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”