My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
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doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
it is time once again
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?