[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I’m sure it’s fine.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you