mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Watermelon Boss!
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”