My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
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I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Shortcut
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”