migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
rise and shine we got egg
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda