My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
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evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”