My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
…żyje?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.