If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
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I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.