First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups