The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..