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my proudest tweet
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo