When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
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Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.