There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
😅🤣😂
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.