Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
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If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.