My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
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Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.