Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
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Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”