feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
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[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
🙀🙀🙀😹
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.