The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
This story is comedy gold 😂
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Best table by far
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler