[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.