Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
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Favourite diary entry ever
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.