*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I bet
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Covid like
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*