6: are snakes just neck?
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?