Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first