“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
What
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING