Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
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Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
just got my engagement photos
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.