[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
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Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Covid like
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
NOT all policemen are strippers.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”