wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
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Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]